So I thought it was about time I got my Testimony out there into the open waters of the world. But before I do spread the word of how Jesus saved me, I wanted to touch on a couple of things. When I was reading a book 'Where is God when it hurts' by Phillip Yancy I learnt that vulnerability isn't always a bad thing. Being vulnerable especially to God is a great quality to have. It's something we can all work on being more of, but it also has a great truth and honesty to it. Being vulnerable in the right areas of your life can help you to grow more into the Christ like figure God has set us out to be. So through my honesty and vulnerabilities I hope I can share with you my testimony which might strike hope into the hearts of whoever read it. It's going to be a long journey so strap yourself in for the worthwhile ride, but I'll try make it as short and sweet as I can.
I'll start off with my childhood and family life. There have always have be strobe lights of God trying to get in touch with my soul, but most of them I ignored, until it became too profound I had no other option but to listen. The first thing I can remember about God was being in awe and fascination of what all the fuss was about, who is Jesus? And why and how is this ancient book still relevant now? I remember pondering this just as a small child. I must of been 6 or 7 when I asked my non-christian family, if I could go to church. I had questions in my mind that kept me up all night. Around the same time of asking this question I remember staying up most nights worrying about death, it all became a much to scary thought to process. One night soon after I asked if I could go to church, I had to wake my parents. I was a young child and needed the safe touch of my parents to calm my thoughts, I was tired and my brain which was going in circles was not helping and making me distraught with tears. I remember my dad soothing me and comforting me that I was a long time off of dying and that I didn't need to worry just yet. He waited until I was asleep before he left my room.
My dad was hugely helpful that night and every time it came into my mind I would remind myself of what he told me. However, this discomfort of death never went away fully, I remember having some sort of ease that my true answered would come from going to church, and this was still at the age of 6 or 7. Unfortunately, the answer my parents gave me when asking could I attend Sunday school, was no. I remember when I was 4 or 5 I attended for a short while although I'm not sure how or why I came to attending as my family are a family of non-believers and I would even go as far as calling them Atheists. However, there was a member of my extended family who was a Christian, a born again Christian and that was my auntie. She continually showed me gods love through Christmas presents, birthday presents and prayers, she prayed for my sister an I an awful lot. I am aware of this now.
A second thing that struck me at this age was an assembly we had at school one day. I was in year 3 and We had a new headmaster leading our school. His name was Mr Garret, it took me a while to warm to him and I'm not sure at that age if I ever did. He had been at our school just over a term, he brought a lady in to share her testimony to the school. At this point in my life I didn't even know what a testimony was I just remember never forgetting hers. She told us she had actually died and was brought back to life thanks to the hospital staff working that day. She explained how it wasn't her time yet and that God was wanting her to pursue a task he had set on earth for her. In great depth and description she told us everything from what she saw and the sounds and tones of his mighty voice. She ended with saying: never fear death. For obvious reasons these words clung to me but I just couldn't understand how someone could not fear the raging anguish of death. This was my first encounter with the Holy Spirit, I felt something shift inside of me, something was missing within me but I didn't know how to fill it.
Time went by and these thoughts of death were in the back of mind they just didn't seem to bother me like they used too. My teenage years were fast approaching, and in school I always seemed to be the bold one, the one that slightly stood out from the rest. I had courage and I came across as fearless. So when I eventually stepped into my teens, this fearlessness and courage didn't come without consequences.
I was 13 years old and hated school, in fact I thought I hated education but I now realise it was just that high school that I disliked. I was at an all girl convent school. My teachers compared me to my sister a lot, always saying she achieved greater than I was. I hated being the younger sister. I felt a great pressure of having to live up to same standards and expectations,trying to mould myself into the same shape as her which seemed impossible. For starters she was much thinner than I was, with beautiful golden locks. But it wasn't all about looks, she had a small but great friendship group too, although she had problems with some of the girls she has friends she could go too during the toughness of the 'bully' girls. Whereas, I was between friendships not knowing who I could trust or turn too. I recall opening up to a minor few and they just spread my thoughts like a wildfire burning through the corridors.
The thoughts in my mind were frightening, my overall suppressed feelings I felt throughout my body were dark. I felt alone and as stated had no one to turn too. That's when I started self harming, finally a sense of relief. My body was physically feeling what I mentally felt and I felt in control. It was my little comfort area, with my sleepless nights increasing my inflictions became my more than close friend. School was a drag, it would come to 5am I could watch the sunrise and I'd finally be drifting off to sleep until not soon after 45 mins of rest I was up again for the day ahead. It came to these points where I was sleeping in class, if not admitting myself down to the nurses office to just sleep.
I was in year 8, we had a school trip coming up and even though it was still school and still education it was at least a break from the classroom and teachers. Their were new girls in my class this year and they seemed to be climbing the popularity ladder at a fast rate. They had gained control over the girls who awed in their looks and followed what they said or did.
The day of the school trip, a day that begun to changed my school life. This 'group' of girls of course got to the back of the bus first and they kept a spare seat, I was last to board the coach and there were plenty of spare seats still available. Strangely the popular girls called out my name for me to join them. We were half way through the journey and our coach broke down, during this time the conversation was growing between the popular girls and I. It was getting warm in the back of the bus and was wanting to pull my sleeves of my jumper up but couldn't for obvious reasons. The girl sitting next to me went to touch and look at my watch which I was wearing, my watch was covering some cuts which my jumper didn't cover, she noticed them but didn't say much just stared deep into my eyes.
The next day in class I arrived at school, with thoughts pushing back and forth to what might happen, but I wasn't prepared for what happened next. I came came into class and everyone went quiet, I could tell everyone was just talking about me. I ignored it and did my normal thing, put my bag in my locker. I turned around from my locker to take my seat, and there circled by my whole class I stood and stared. Without a word coming from my mouth they lifted up the sleeves of my jumper, pointed in shock with a few smirks and they were asking why? why? why? Helplessly and crying I couldn't answer. I stared at two girls who I thought were my friends and they blanked my eyes contact. I ran out of the class and straight to sister Patrick our school nurse. I spent the rest of the day there. From that day I knew I couldn't step foot in that school again.
That night I came home and didn't speak a word to my family, I didn't do this intentionally I just felt numb and the feelings weren't vanishing. My parents could tell things were up. A couple days later still being oddly quiet at home, my parents came up to my room, both of them. I usually would be nervous by this but I wasn't this time, they said they felt I was unhappy at school and suggested I changed. My body filled with relief, although they knew nothing that happened and still don't to this day, they did and said the best words I'd ever heard. They found a school nearer to home and I was thrilled with excitement to be making a change of school. When I told my classmates I was moving they stopped treating me differently and treated me normally again as they knew they were a big motive behind this school change.
A new start, a new me. At this school I was blessed with friends. I hadn't self harmed in a while but was still drawn to the addiction of it I brought upon myself. One down night I made the decision to do it once more. This time it was noticed again at school, but by a Christian girl who prayed for me. At the time I found it stupid as I didn't believe in God but it was nice to know someone cared about me, and wasn't out to get me. We joined in hiking together on d of e both bronze and silver, and I mocked her for believing in God. I didn't know but she was a light shining to me she stayed calm and always comforted me with the truths of God. She was the only Christian in her family, kinda like me now and I always think of her as an inspiration. How she always showed great care towards me makes me reflects how much God was working through her desperately trying to reach out to me.
A friend from my old school invited me to a party of hers, and I decided to attend. This was the next stage of my journey. I met two people that night, one caught my eye and was going to turn out to be my boyfriend but my 14 year old self didn't know that yet. After this party me and this boy met up continually, he was a bad boy and I liked that. He didn't conform to society and he had rebellious ideas he never pursued but he was interesting, we shared the same taste in music and laughed together.
He was 2 school years ahead of me and his friendship group was moving into college. As we were dating he introduced me to his friends, he also introduced me to drugs. We started smoking weed and then it moved onto harder drugs, quite quickly. The young self that I was shouldn't have wound up here. Time went by and I ended up breaking up with this boy I was dating because his drug taking got to a whole new level and I needed out. Still feeling desperate for love I needed someone, I started dating his friend. Not because I was taking revenge he just seemed to be better suited to me. He was much funnier and had a kinder heart, and was much calmer on the drug front, which was probably a big factor for me.
He hated smoking, so I quit for him and he came to the realisation that he didn't want to take drugs anymore so we stopped, and it was nice just him and I enjoying each other's company. We had been dating for just over half a year, I'd finished school and had my prom which was beautiful and surrounded with true best friends I was starting to feel more content with life. But I was wrong so wrong and if God was going to get hold of me something big needed to break through into my life, firstly starting with coming between me and who I thought was my first love was up. Which to me seemed near impossible, we doted over one another. On reflection I can see the relationship wasn't healthy, only because we both weren't mentally stable, but acted like we were, we weren't right for one another.
This relationship was all done outside of my parents will and sight, as they had told me they didn't like him, but then they didn't like any of my boyfriends and I thought this was because they were snobby and arrogant. I couldn't see that they were truly caring for me, I just thought they would only approve of someone who came from good education, not a good background, a good education. I thought that was all they cared about, I didn't think for a minute that it was for my own good.
Then came a part of my life that would stick with me forever, and it wasn't Jesus just yet. It was my worst day on Earth, I've never felt so vulnerable and shaken to my core. I can't actually describe in words how I felt but if I could it would be pure destruction and the feeling of huge pain and feeling trapped. Let me begin with how this day changed my life forever. It was June 13th 2013 (who said 13 was an unlucky number haha).
I'm not going to go into great depth as its uneeded if you know me you can always ask me but I arrived to an empty house only my boyfriend who I'm going to call 'John' for stories sake and 2 children one of which was a baby. Drugs were taken, for me I was unknowing of the drug I hadn't heard of it ever, or knew it affects. I was newly turned 15 and had no idea. It was late when this took place. 'John' knew exactly what drug it was and everything about it, but I don't know if he knew you could trip badly on it, but he was about to discover that.
The drugs were taking its course and it wasn't going well for him. Anger grew so I went out for some fresh air, he didn't like that so he beat me, hard with a snooker cue and threw snooker balls at me. That was the beginning of the abuse. The children were also targeted, which I tried in my hardest ways to prevent. I got one child to lock herself away in the bathroom that's when a phone got threw at me causing my head to split. I didn't have much of a surface area to run but long story short my last injury occurred by having my head cut open by a microwave dish being smashed over me. I ran or more like painfully stumbled into his room, I went over to the window looked out the window and remembering my vision being beyond bad, not only were colours and trees vibrant and moving but I was in immense pain and it's something I will never forget, especially the pain it even haunts me now sometimes and I feel like I can physically feel it. I screamed out in prayer to God the only thing unusually making me feel like I wasn't alone even though I didn't believe in him. I prayed that I would not be left hopeless and helpless in this situation, that I would come out the other end of it and not die, I wasn't ready to die. I then passed out on the bed for a good few hours.
I was trapped here for a long time. They had no house phone and 'John' would not let me have access to the only phone in case I called for help. I waited, and screamed and cried, I screamed and cried more than I ever have done before. I was torn but lucky to be alive, I will also never forget how distorted my face was and his thickly covered it was in blood when I looked in the mirror.
Finally. He was asleep, I took the phone and called the only thing I knew would help save me, the emergency services. Well they let me down, not once but twice on my third call to them they decided to come out to see me. That was then the beginning of a whole other type of trauma, they didn't treat me as a victim but a criminal, that was hard for my 15 year old self to comprehend. I knew I hadn't done everything right, yes I should of mentioned things to them but I was trying to amend it and no one could recognise that. No one knew the pressure I was under not only the pressure but the huge fear that 'John' had casted over me as he threatened that I wouldn't call for help or he would make it worst for me, but also the pressure that I had to get everything right as much as I could. He scarred me and I couldn't look at him. But the ambulance staff didn't mention that when it got more serious and into courts hands. I found the so called justice system had failed me on a number of occasions, but I know it will never be justice or perfect because it is run by imperfect humans.
Years after this event and it was still coiling up into my life trying to destroy me. I didn't feel I had people to turn to at points no one would ever understand, the person who would understand the most might be John but he didn't have any physical scars from that night so not even the person who was there could understand what I went through. For years I got dreadful flashbacks and nightmares that tormented me and shook me again to a core making me feel like I did on the night this occurred. But I was safe and I always reminded myself that.
It took me a long long time to realise not all men are out to hurt women and sometimes I still have to tell myself that there are good guys out there. From this day I knew how important raising awareness was for good causes and this is probably why I get so passionate about others lives especially if they face abuse because I know what it was like to stare death in the face and it's scary.
I then met my best friend his name is Ben. He was the messenger to me from the word of God, he knew my story, my past but he didn't always tell me he was Christian. Ben, I and grace my other best friend were the perfect trio, we spent all of our time together. A while into our friendship ben told us both he was a Christian, grace didn't really care she is very accepting of everyone, however for me who was an atheist it didn't sit well, I was encased with anger and reacted terribly to this news. It angered me as I felt my whole life was cursed with bad luck and therefore if there was a god he didn't seem very loving because why me?
Ben taught me Jesus could relate to me, him and I had both faced prosecution and rejection, I had never considered that Jesus and I could be alike, but we were in many ways. This is when ben asked if I wanted to start a relationship with Jesus, I was unsure but had nothing to lose so I asked how. He said all you have to do is ask God to reveal himself to you, I didn't know how God would reveal himself to me would it be through a change of heart, or would he send some Angel to come down and blind me with white light. I honestly had no idea but I also didn't have much faith that anything would happen a mere mustard seed size faith I had. I knew that the smallest amount could move mountains and change lives, but I was about to truly experience this for myself.
I told myself I would give God 3 chances to reveal himself to me. At the time I was struggling with an eating disorder and my mind was mainly taken up by having focus on this, it consumed my thought life. However I still thought about all ben had said to me and it kept popping into my mind more and more. One time I was at home and I prayed for God to reveal himself; but nothing. On another day I then tried again whilst driving for God to reveal himself; again nothing occurred. My mustard seed faith was even decreasing in size but my will to see if it was true hadn't, so I wanted to wait until something made me pray my last chance of a prayer for God to reveal himself.
I was at work it was coming up to noon and I was making a tea for myself and a coffee for my boss, I apparently always made the best lattes for her. Her shop was in a remote village by the sea and it was a catering business and a cake shop, we often had customers lined up to collect food so we would know who was coming in and out of the shop. Sometimes we had a bulk of builders come in to order sandwiches but not much else, if people did come through the door I would know who they were as we always had the same old ladies come in for a scone or a sausage roll. I was stirring my tea and I shut my eyes to pray, I don't know why I chose at work but I did I said the most arrogant prayer out of the three I had prayed and I said God I'm starting to believe you are not real, so if you really are true, which your not, reveal yourself now. Amen.
Before I had even finished making my bosses coffee a lady walked in so I stopped what I was doing and went to serve her. However she wasn't a typical customer to come in and order a scone, well she was she came in looking a bit nervous I greeted her and asked what she wanted. She said she was waiting for her husband to finish at the dentist so she was coming in to pick up a pasty for him for lunch. I only now just realised there is no dentist nearby , especially not in walking distance which she was and she was far to old to be walking a lot distance. Anyway she came in, still appearing nervous I noticed she had a cross broach, a beautiful one with purple gems on it, I told her that I loved it. Her response was out of the ordinary and was the point that was truly life changing.
She responded by saying, I thought you would notice that and I'm glad you like it. This straight away had me confused. She proceeded by taking out her bible and not having to look down as the verse seemed to be memorised. But she said a verse that stated about making contact with Jesus' father and that he was also my father and he wanted contact with me, she said he was pleased and wanted me to go down the path he had desired for me. She quickly put her money for the pasty on the counter and scurried out the door, giving me no chance to respond.
Out of shock I said to my boss can I take a phone call, I was so sure that it was God speaking to me through this women. I rang ben up and whilst standing outside in the glorious sunshine I told him about what has just taken place. I then restarted my bosses coffee and told her, she said when her husband comes in you must tell him, as he was a non practicing Christian so I did. Since then I never looked back my whole belief system was changed in the split of a second and I felt the Holy Spirit for the first time and it was good, it brought me joy. Since that day I asked ben if I could attend his church and up on the hill, our favourite spot on earth I gave my life to Jesus by praying with ben. It was amazing to glorify God for the first time in my life and I left that day with praise in my heart.
It doesn't stop there, I was struggling still with the consuming thoughts of my eating disorder and I didn't want it there anymore it was taking up all my time and I said to God I wanted to spend my thought life with him and not this evil disorder. Ben then prayed for healing over me, he was my only Christian friend so I could turn to him with anything, that's when I felt God constantly pursuing my life and highly involved with it because since then I hadn't had a single thought enter my mind about my eating disorder. It no longer consumed me and I began enjoying what was on my plate more than ever and I was thankful for it.
Now in hindsight I can see and reflect that God was always trying to reach out to me through others, and this is why it's so important to always reach out in faith to your non Christian friends or family you never know what bible verse may change their lives. So continue praying for them and allow them the time and you the time for gods timings, as they are perfect and his will, will take place.
Thank you for reading my testimony and I will leave you with that; my story of faith.
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