My Last Post: My struggle with PTSD.

This was written on June 14th, 2017. I stumbled upon it on my notes on my iPad that I took travelling and I thought what the heck, it might relate and help someone out there, but also brings all these travels for this year to a close. Thank you everyone who read and kept up to date with my blog posts and I hope you enjoyed this snippet of my life. So here it the last part:

Hey readers! So I've been super lazy just kicking back knowing my last few weeks travelling are slowly creeping up, and yes I am focusing on that a tad too much but more so I'm taking advantage of being in the traveller lifestyle more than I was. I am gonna miss this place and when I say that I mean like having a constant home but not knowing what it could look like as I haven't turned up to it yet. Arriving somewhere for the first time but settling in so quickly you end up calling it your local area on the same day. The world is all ours, all these streets are our homes and everything built is for everyone each man and woman is a brother and sister in some form and I just really have learnt that whilst travelling.

Whilst you're reading this wherever you are whether you are at home, where you know everyone or whether you are in a coffee shop, if so just put this article down you can get back to it, take this time this moment in life right now to get to know know who you are actually next too. I know it's a funny thing to do especially if you're in civilised England where everyone keeps themselves to themselves, but it may surprise you.

This for me was something I would struggle to do sometimes as I would over analysis meeting new people and that was because my trust in people was at a all new low before I went travelling. I know to not trust everyone but I've gained more trust in the world more like I did when I was a child, I don't let my guard down but you know I'm happier in interacting with others and not worrying about why they are trying to be nice to me because I used to think surely everyone is out to get me? Well actually no they are not.

During my travels I've gained much more trust in humanity whilst being exposed to different cultures and people but more than that. A part of me I had lost I've regained through fun memories and relaxation and time with God. Lastly now I'm not feeling like I have the world on my shoulders but instead being on the worlds shoulders, and fully knowing and recognising that I have people around me will catch you if you fall.

I think if this sounds like you thinking that the world is out to get at you all the time or like the old me sounded then I know will have to learn this lesson yourself but just let it go emotions you cling to. There will become a time where they will resolve but for now don't lose yourself in them, even if you think you know who you are. I found my mind was still living in the past I was physically in the present but not being able to fully progress or connect to the present because I blurred it out I still wanted to process my past so how could I keep moving in the present, it was a struggle I couldn't keep up with. It's also something that is very complicated to explain but if you've been through a big struggle in life or been in a fearful situation then coming to terms with it can be very challenging especially if your brain is trying to protect itself or destroy it by developing PTSD then it becomes that extra bit harder. Not only are you dealing with whether you are living in the past or current you are also struggling with triggers, flashbacks, fear, aneixty, muscle spasms or freezing.

It took me ages to realise that PTSD is actually a living breathing condition that is playing me with my mind, and it was affecting my current life but I was oblivious to it. So having this time away has really made me put life into perspective. Let me rewind to the beginning, during college a year after my 'traumatic event'. I wanted to travel, I wanted to escape my current situation but that wasn't possible I couldn't just leave I had to complete a court case. Then college was over and I was going to save and year then travel and then that didn't happen and I thought life was becoming impossible, I felt like no body understood that my life felt constantly under threat. I thought that the next day it would be taken if not now or in the next week or hours, it was horrifying living under that stress of constantly feeling like you're gonna die, if you can picture that for a moment that was my life but for a good few years. I then accepted my reality of working and never getting to do anything I wanted and some days I could accept it and numbed all emotion from it and other times I was so angry and mad that no one wanted to help me but instead pull the rocks I was standing on to keep my head above water from beneath my feet making it harder for me to stay a float. Whilst I watched everyone around me achieve in life or be happy they get life the way they wanted it whilst I was never getting anywhere this made it all the more unbearable.

I had multiple breakdowns one which my dad nearly phoned the ambulance over it because I exploded and who could blame me? In my eyes I felt like I was gonna die my body was struck with huge overwhelming fear and I couldn't do what I wanted after years of having most things I liked taken from me. All I wanted to do was travel and this dream was becoming more and more impossible and then finally the plan came together and I was off to south east Asia. During the few weeks leading up to travelling all my emotions were heightened and this fear of it getting taken from me grew and grew and I couldn't channel this energy raging in me so I channeled it with anger. I could almost taste the fact that travelling wouldn't happen id die before it happened that or as I said it'd just be taken in some way, I felt I didn't deserve happiness because I didn't believe it was possible for others to want me help be by my side and actually want to achieve happiness with me. So when the day came and I was off it was a huge relief i had achieved something I really wanted too and as I got into the traveller lifestyle and spent plenty of time with God and praying over my PTSD, I found freedom. It was in the Philippines, I got a lot of prayer for healing after I shared my testimony in a youth camp. However, this I felt was just the starting point of this last milestone of this freedom journey. After the camp I continued to pray for myself in my own time this is such a vital thing we must do as Christians but most of us only think we can seek healing for others through prayer but we can ask God for healings of our own.

Anyway, I'd moved islands but was still in the Philippines but coming to the end of our time there Dan became ill so I was kind of bound to the hostel because I didn't drive mopeds and we were in the middle of nowhere, so I decided to spend almost the entire day with God in the sun, in the garden and on the beach; it was bliss and pure paradise. Throughout the day of spending time with God there was this one moment where I was lost in worship and taking in the spirit. I was overwhelmed with peace and freedom, this was freedom thanks to God I felt a release from within me and it was my soul intwining with the holy one and pure delight came to me and resonated with me for days after, all fear had left me and I tested out reflecting on things which would often trigger a PTSD attack and it didn't. I was worried I wasn't healed and to this day might test it but nope god does not fail and to this day I am still healed. Amen.

Returning Home - (My reflecting post)

So, I discovered I never fully finished my travel blog and explaining to my readers my getting home journey and what I learnt and gained from my travels this year and as this year is now swiftly coming to a close I must also close my posts on my south East Asian travels, so there will be a few to follow after this post but welcome to my reflecting post.

At the very beginning of my blog I uploaded my first post about saying goodbye but hello to new beginnings. The emotions I expressed in it were very real and true and I was so thrilled but apprehensive to start this year knowing so much would take place. However it's nearly the beginning of July and my travels are over, I have learnt a huge deal whilst being away especially about myself and just life in general, how life works and how we function as humans. One quality I will take with me is not to worry about how short or long my own life will be, I always feared about it ending soon but I've thrown that worry away. I also really appreciate smaller things allowing me to just appreciate and love being alive and that in itself is happiness, but it isn't also everything. Being in control of yourself, your mentally, your actions play a huge role and becoming to control and conduct yourself can be a massive challenge because it also determines who you are, and when you don't know who you are its so hard recognising this or gaining it. However confusing my sentences may sound just know you will get to a place of tranquility one day with loving God and pursuing the life he has mapped out for you.

I often worried about how my life was going to pan out and I still do from time to time, like what age will I be when I get married, will I be able to have children, will I get a serious illness in 20+ years, what happens when I lose loved ones. I've recognised not to focus on these God is truly in control and he loves you more than anyone can imagine he created life that's how much he loves us. He doesn't want you to waste your life worrying like I did, I believe I developed serious anxiety and it came out in weird and worrying ways usually upon other people sometimes but now I really know I don't carry this round with me anymore I also believe medication doesn't help you work through things like anxiety I believe you have to work out how to stop it yourself. This is what I meant by becoming in control of your mind, I think everyone has worries and fears but letting them control you is going to do no good; in fact it will cripple you.

Within travelling I've had so much time to think about how I want my life to go, but I know God will always surprise me and maybe turn things up side down but only for the benefit of him and knowing that comforts me that it really is for good. I recognise this but it doesn't mean I can't plan certain things for instance if I want to work in a coffee shop or just wait to find a job more suited to me. I can plan what I'm going to do with savings and how I'm going to use my spare time whether it's getting the sewing machine down from the loft and making a pair of shorts or whether it's typing up posts on a blog. Whatever it is do it for your own satisfaction don't overly try to please others the others will reward you for being happy in your life and join in if necessary if it's on their hearts too.

Even though on these travels I've not been in a relationship I've learnt a lot about love, I think you never stop learning. I've learnt letting go of love regains love. I'm not going to expand on this hugely but you should be able to cope with or without loved ones just like you would with your mum or dad, it should be a similar but totally different love all at the same time. But accept that it's never ending if you've truly found the right person or if that person is in the same head space as you.